FTM Trans 25/2/15 12/12/16 Nipples are overrated and mental health is an important subject to talk about.
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#transformationtuesday time! This is 2010 vs 2017. 2010 was a strange time for me because I'd spent a lot of it (and a few years after) being quite a drama queen, a compulsive liar and a show off to try and impress those around me. Especially because I had this deep feeling inside that something was wrong and I was trying to validate this feeling by forming a reputation as this big macho dyke who'd beat anyone up for you and get with any girl (or boy) I wanted. Little did I know that the moment I realised that deep feeling of something missing was my gender identity that all this need for attention and validation would just dissipate. Now, 2.5 years on T, 9 months post op, I am the happiest I've ever been in terms on my transition. I avoid drama, I don't try and justify myself to others and I'm just loving the body I've formed for myself.
My mental health has been kicking my ass this month but I really hope I get the strength to try and see @littlebigtown next month because I love them and I don't want to miss out and upset myself when I've been given the chance to.
We're inseparable Oh, I also made an Instagram for photos of him because I want somewhere to put the thousands of photos I have of him without fearing they'll get lost on a hard drive or something.
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Trying to just keep positive whilst in a mentally low place. The low intensity CBT hasn't worked. It's extremely heartbreaking to think you've found something to "cure" your constant state of danger. It's also incredibly heartbreaking to feel a natural bond with your therapist only to be told he has to hand you on to someone else now to see if they can help. He's also suggested I try anxiety medication. Do any of you have any experience with anti-anxiety meds? If so, what was your outcome like? Did they help? Did they help towards tackling the bigger picture of whatever your anxiety was?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but no matter how much work I put in, my hips won't go away and it makes me v.sad 🙃
I straighten my hair bc it looks like this if I don't :/
Some parts of the old me aren't regrettable or negative; like the part of me that taught me to love myself.
I've never really enjoyed mowing, until this year. I can finally feel the sun on my torso and it's euphoric.
This week has been hard. I've been trying to come to terms with being diagnosed as agoraphobic but I'm still massively in denial. I understand that I struggle to go outside but I hate that I've been pinned with "severely" as a measurement for how strong this feeling of fear is. My PWP keeps telling me to stop being so overwhelming on myself when we set my goals but I just find it so hard to accept that I'm as unwell as he says I am. On the plus side, he said he was "over the moon" that I managed to do last weeks "tasks" more than once. This is a hell of a bumpy rollercoaster and it's hard to even try most of the time... but at the end of the day, I can't complain that I didn't win the race if I didn't even try to run it? Look after yourself people, go see someone before it's really hard to even attempt getting better.
7th August 2017.
No photo manipulation or enhancements. Just a good camera and beautiful view out my window.
As of yesterday, I'm 9 months post-op! There is nothing I can complain about. My dog tag on my left side that makes my skin fold over when my arms are in certain positions is nothing to feel self-conscious about because I'd much rather have a bit of skin that folds over than breasts. Still don't miss having nipples and I'm still so so so happy with my results 🏻
It's so crazy to think of how far I've come- not just in terms on my journey, but my weight loss as well. The photo on the left was taken 3 years ago at Brighton Gay Pride. I was pre-T, and just starting to lose weight. I remember feeling so much more masculine (until someone misgendered me of course!) But looking back now, I was no where near where I am today. I always forget how far I come and photos like these, the photos that are quite deeply hidden because I was so depressed with my weight. These photos remind me how determined I can be to change and better myself. Hormones in no way helped this weight loss journey, in fact, I started hormones after I got back into my BMI. I did it with the motivation that I could have top surgery, so I felt more secure about my top surgery results. There is not a day I can imagine going back to eating carbohydrates. I'm 3 years into #keto and I won't ever stop. #lchf 4 lyffff 🤗
Finally working on my mental health. It's one of those subjects that I encourage everyone else to work on and not to be embarrassed by and to get help if they need it- yet when it comes to applying what I say to myself.... I ignore it completely. Until now. Now I'm finally seeing a professional because there is only so much you can do alone. #yourenotalone
That #Keto life be making my mom look younger every year 🏻
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Two smiles. One is just more natural.
With the high depression, anxiety and suicide rates among trans* folk, I think it's incredibly important for us to reflect and talk to a professional when things get tough.
Hell, I think it's important for absolutely everyone to see a professional from time to time. My CBT referral has finally gone through and I'm finally ready to reflect and move on. Make sure you seek help if you need it, it shouldn't be such seen as such a taboo subject; lots of people need others to help them and you're definitely not alone.
Hotel bathrooms are just topless selfie heavens. 🏻
This is the longest I've had to wait for my next hormone injection and I'm losing my mind 14 weeks between jabs is a hell of a long time and I'm being so temperamental - I feel like I'm 13 again!
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Here's a lil Transformation Tuesday to remind people that happiness is a journey not a destination! On the left I wasn't really aware of who I was, I had no term for how I felt; I just thought I was a raging lesbian. But there were little hints: I wouldn't wear my hair any way but tied up with an Alice band pulling it back because I hated it long, I had a really odd sense of fashion because I'd buy the least feminine female clothes I could that find, I hated being in the female changing rooms at school, I didn't wear any makeup ever (even for the left photo which was taken at a wedding) - but I wasn't massively unhappy, because I didn't know! Something felt off but I had just shrug it off as being a "butch lesbian" and the emotions with that. On the right was a few days ago, and (despite looking happier on the left!) I am so happy with where I am transition wise. The moment I discovered the word transsexual my whole mentality changed and I spent years miserable that I wasn't growing the same way my brother was; I used to steal his boxers because I didn't know how my parents would react to me asking for boys clothes, I would feel envy as I saw him grow facial hair and see him walk around the house topless. Now I feel so comfortable with my body, my voice, my mentality towards who I am. There are still things that need to change. But at the end of the day, I am SOOO much happier right here, right now, than I was 4-5 years ago when I first came out as a transsexual male. I've always had a supportive network of family, friends and people online and that's more than I could ever ask for! Stay positive
I literally hate the feeling of velvet but I swear to god I couldn't take my hands or eyes off her all day. I couldn't ask for a better "date" for my sisters gorgeous wedding #tooperfectforafilter
On the left is an attention seeker, someone who looks for drama, compulsively lies, someone who struggles everyday with some sort of identity crisis.
On the right is the same person. Just without the attention seeking, the drama, no more compulsive lying. Different body, cross-sex hormones and a different mentality.
There is not a day on earth I'm not thankful for my supportive family and friends. For the love you all give me on Instagram. For those of you who come to me for support.
It took me 5/6 years to be able look at myself and love who I'm becoming. So stay safe, be brave and keep being awesome. You'll get there one day.
Taken whilst walking the dogs. The countryside is always greener 🤗
Who is that girl I see, staring straight back at me?