second (and second last ) day in dublin with this wee babe. spent most of the day tourist trapping, guiness-bashing (despite the pictured, gents is not a fan and i dinnae drink) and bus navigating before heading out to pantibar for a wee drink, some random place with rubbish crepes to satisfy a craving before going on to the george so i could break out my dad-dancing. bumped into the very lovely @thomasvc, wonders of social media and community, doesn't matter where you go... if you find a rainbow bar you can find someone you recognise!
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so tesco may have closed before i could get a wee pint of milk to have at the hotel tonight...
so i realised i'm six months post-op from my top surgery today. some reflections:
i know, at six months, i don't have the neatest results out there. i'm very red (normal for me with scarring regardless of treatment, i'm a slow healer), the side that picked up the infection is stretched and uneven, the side that's okay has a random suture(?) that never dissolved and has left a white lump on my scar. when my nips are soft one is round and the other is oval. but it's closed/healed, i'm mobile, i can wear what i like and only worry about hips. and most days i even like the issues, they tell my story.
i put together some "firsts" that i remember being important to me as they happened. they might seems small and silly but i had top surgery because i couldn't not bind anymore and it was physically and emotionally painful living day-to-day for me. i had developed back problems (that are going to continue for sometime yet) that impacted on everything from exercise to sleep, i always saw my binder regardless of what i wore and my mind told me everyone else did too, i couldn't work long days which had a sorely negative effect on my working hours. so sometimes since surgery an everyday thing gets done and it feels ducking fantastic. so here's to those little silly moments.
as instagram appears to have eaten last night's post (and laurie's now sent me the decent photo), had a gorgeous night at the fringe with this one. started with cheerful "the girl from oz"... again, followed up with a humourous but intense "you've changed" from kate o'donnell and ended on the supremely depressing and half an hour too long "5 guys chillin'". some important discussions started in that one but frankly too rambling and also, though to different degrees, was 5 skinny, muscular guys chillin'. as if the community didn't have enough body image issues.
so, at the end of a night of one tuck, one vagina and two penises i am feeling like everyone just needs to put their hoohahs RIGHT away for a bit okay?
@corrker let me yell at the sea and wind for a bit last night. strongly recommend
getting more resilient. i wasn't going to share this, i didn't when it happened because i am always a bit conscious of who follows me on here when discussing things which are more personal. but the reason i wasn't going to share is i tend to hide or compartmentalise when i'm not coping with something. but to my surprise i am alright. so here's a downside to increased public awareness of transmasculine people...
having literally just started going to the gym and back swimming, my welcome a couple of sessions in was some guy (at least a foot taller and wider than me) commenting across the changing room on whether i "got knifed" and his pal correcting him that i'd had "that tranny surgery". i'm wondering whether to blame channel 4 or the bbc for being clocked so easily by someone who clearly wasn't exactly up on his trans awareness. it fucking SHOOK me having people talk about my body so brazenly in a public space, and my history with gendered public spaces isn't exacrly one of safety... so initially i did what i usually do when something has genuinely hit me hard. i got myself home, i had a breakdown, i called my bestie and i expected to spend the next few weeks spiralling into a shitty state.
but that didn't happen. the next day i felt a bit rubbish from lack of sleep and some overactive tearducts, but i made it out of bed, i went to a meeting on some really fucking worthwhile work i'm helping out with in my organisation and the next day i took a look at my bank account and decided i wasn't going to let some insecure limpdicks have me waste money by chasing me off with their idiot locker judgement of other people's bodies. i want to swim. i want to climb. i do actually quite enjoy the gym (which i wasn't expecting to). i can finally move and breathe and i refuse to let anyone take my enjoyment in that away.
ngl, i'm not mr confidence since that. i've been getting changed at work whenever possible and with my back to the room if i have to do it at the gym. but i'm still going.
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well. that was GLORIOUS; pins and pipes on point. and miss @courtneyact knows how to take a selfie. 100% recommend if yer in the capital for the fringe ⠀⠀⠀ ⠀ • • • • • • ⠀⠀⠀ ⠀
just stopping a moment to admire the simplicity of my fixie life is complicated, give me a bike anyday
i love this photo of my grandparents only a couple of years older than me (granda you better keep that receding hairline to yourself...). i've always looked a lot like my granma and since getting a bit older and starting t, the resemblance to my granda has grown too. most importantly to me though, i've been a bit insecure about my grin a lot of my life. i used to think it feminised my face and it's why i developed that dorky closed lip smile i so often adopt. these days, looking more how i feel i should, i can just appreciate the cracking beamer those genetics passed down to me.
granda's jaw and ears with granma's smile and eyes. look more like them than my own parents! ⠀⠀⠀ ⠀ • • • • • • ⠀⠀⠀ ⠀
when i do comparisons i am simultaneously struck by how far hrt has brought me in such a short period, yet how far short of what i maybe hoped despite my best efforts to manage expectations. ⠀⠀⠀ ⠀
visual hrt comparisons are difficult because the most important changes for me have been in the peace i have found in myself and my day-to-day experience. i know a fair few people who say they don't see how far they have come until they see it side by side. i find more progress in seeing pictures with my young self because i find no dysphoria in them. in them i find contentment at coming full circle back to myself. both photos in the second slide i was aware a photo was being taken but i didn't seek to hide from it or insist someone wait until i get myself properly composed. those moments are still rare for adult me, but increasingly common. in my teens i would literally have put a bag over my head rather than have someone catch me on camera. ⠀⠀⠀ ⠀
tldr: young me to now me gives me a greater connection to my past and eases dysphoria. comparing me to my more recent history brings out my critical side. ⠀⠀⠀ ⠀ ⠀⠀⠀ ⠀ • • • • • • ⠀⠀⠀ ⠀ #trans#ftm#transguy#genderqueer#lgbt#lgbtq#vitamint#transmasculine#transmasc#ftmtransition#hrt#nebido#latenightmusings
truly sickened by today's cynical and cruel move by the united states government.
but what else should we have expected of a president who won't let kids go to the toilet in safety? of course he would not respect or honour his commitment to trans servicepeople.
sad my holiday is done but my little trans queer heart iS SO HAPPY JODIE WHITTAKER IS THE NEXT DOCTOR, I'VE ONLY BEEN WAITING FOR THIS SINCE BABY EWAN WATCHED HUGH GRANT TURN INTO JOANNA LUMLEY. i am just over here bathing in cis male bigot tears
i know they make the locals feel much the same as i do about foxes but... THEY'RE JUST SO CUTE
still my favourite hostel experience. despite the slightly dodgy locks on the toilets. definitely recommend doing a night there to anyone staying in ottowa. though it's facilities are gendered it is also explicitly lgbtq+ friendly upon entry ⠀⠀⠀ ⠀ • • • • • • ⠀⠀⠀ ⠀