scots twenty-something who climbs trees and hills. trans. recovering from top surgery; no longer wears shirts.
5/11/2015 || top lop 23/2/2017
834 followers200 following351 posts
i've been cleared to go for a short run so naturally i took a mirror selfie to commemorate my first binderless run in 5 years. all i can think is how weirdly affirming it is to see my nips against sports gear
forgot to update on the pico dressing saga yesterday:
despite living in the largest city in the country, said city only had one (unavailable) nurse willing and able to fit my dressing. so i went back to the provinces, explained my surgeon wasn't happy about leaving it as long as monday/tuesday as i had with the nurses in glasgow... troon nurse googles the dressing and goes "well, it might not be pretty but we can give it a bash; at the end of the day it's just a dressing". so she fitted me and now there's a dressing vacuum-packed to my chest.
every so often my little pump (which fits neatly into my pocket, just lying on my chest to picture) buzzes and makes me think my phone's going off. also a little weird as it doesn't restrict my breathing but because of the tightness created by the vacuum/pressure my motor response seems to be to take shallower binder-friendly breaths... keep having to remind myself to breath properly. can't wait to be out of dressing again, but small price, still happy with my treatment just a bit grumpy with nhs greater glasgow and clyde (you've fucked up when nhs ayrshire and arran are doing better, m8)
ah the joy of your anxiety keeping you awake cos your surgeon has prescribed you a dressing that comes in a box bigger than your head for the friggin' hole in your chest but your local health centre won't fit you with it (against surgeons' instructions) until monday/tuesday the next week... #topsurgery#ftm#transmasculine#transguy
i have never felt a connection to the form my body developed in, as hard as i tried, and as a result every 'flaw' (most perfectly natural, regardless of hormonal body development) was magnified in my mind.
surgery has gifted me with something i did not expect because i couldn't see that i wasn't doing it before: acceptance of the rest of my body. other than some long term damage to my back that will eventually heal with the right physio and my screwed up wrist, i am physically in good shape, and - for instance - those little rolls of my tum do not bother me like they did only a month ago. that's what happens when humans sit and slouch a bit. and i can actually see it as it is now and not as another nuisance of a form that didn't fit me.
also i meditate in the mornings now as i am BORED STIFF waiting to be cleared for work. #trans#ftm#transguy#genderqueer#lgbt#lgbtq#vitamint#transmasculine#transmasc#ftmtransition#transpositive#selfmademan#instagay#guyslikeus#gay#topsurgery#ftmfitness#bodypositive
i was trying to take a picture showing my weak, incredibly blonde facial fluff gainz at 3 weeks back on T/3 weeks since shaving, but the flash has only succeeded in making my nose hairs visible. blame @ash_mitxh. flash, indeed.
my surgeon asked for an update on my chest after 3 days on antibiotics; pictured is the image i sent and her response.
had some nasty pain yesterday, but it's all actually feeling pretty good today. where on tuesday the skin below the incision was hard and swollen it's now nice and squishy which is feeling healthier and the breast tissue around the nip isn't hurting.
once again, massive props to my consultant for being so communicative through my post-op care, very much grateful for my surgical team.
chest update: i woke up this morning with a slight opening on my left incision. i took close ups of the right side which is healing well and the left and sent them to my surgeon. she got back to me with the above and also very promptly answered a few other questions i responded with.
s/o to @aydenjames93 too for his updates on his surgery so i had an idea of what i would be looking for if something opened up
two weeks post op. a bit mucky from my dressings still. was through in manchester yesterday getting them removed. everything seems to be healing up fine (unfortunately i am the most squeamish person alive so i'm taking this at doc's word rather than investigating closely). my right nip still have some scabbing so i'm to replace the plaster on it daily until the scab goes then take a wee snap to send to the doc for the all clear. also have a bit of my left incision that is weeping slightly, but just healing not infection. again, just keeping covered for now. some light swelling still to go down but happy with nipple placement etc, no sign of dog earing on the incisions at this point
surgeon: miss kate williams at north manchester general hospital
one drain out, the other comes out on monday. left drain did get stuck and became a two nurse job, but emma you are my friggin' hero for keeping the mood light while you eased a trapped tube from my body. also for the bombass holiday advice #topsurgery#ftm
post-op! will update fully in a few days but all seems to have gone as it was meant to
due in hosp in three hours. this is the last time i will wake up faced with this shape and i want to acknowledge that.
i have bound my chest for 6 years, 4 years almost daily. tissue damage and testosterone have aided in reducing the size of them over the years but my chest has always been and remains of a size that makes my binder visible, means i cannot hide it behind a sports bra to exercise, and even in a binder my chest constantly slips creating deformed shapes beneath my clothing. i am ready to be able to face my shape (even though i cannot know how i will feel about the specific results of my bare chest) without fearing it.
but also: this is a male chest. this one that i presently have. it is a male chest because it is my chest and no trans man or transmasculine person should feel they have to take this route just because others do. look after yourselves, take the right steps - medical or otherwise - to be true to yourself and your peace. and good luck. you're strong as fuck to follow your path, regardless of where you are along it
note to self: do not use face to block football. the blurriness of this photo ain't half the blurriness of my vision without glasses... #glassesproblems
it's very important to get your wardrobe right when giving a talk on pronouns
quoth @yvonnekp when her girlfriend said i was going to tegan and sara (cos yvonne's all hipster about their new stuff). monday was not good this week; focussing on friday. and if next week's monday is as nightmarish as this week's i will focus on the next friday and the fact i'll never have to pull another binder over my head from then.
my puppy is a bit in the way of the telly. i'll forgive cos cuddles tho
forgot to post this the other day, odelle totes should have been a model, got that casual smiling over shoulder DOWN
okay belated #topsurgery update, sorry it wasn't done sooner... turns out my date is 23 not 26. which... no complaints here. they originally told me 23, then i was told 26, turns out 23 is right though. so 23rd february! yeesht.
had my pre-op appointment with rachel - one of the breast team nurses - and kate williams - the consultant i saw last time. split into three bits:
1) rachel went over the surgery again with me, showed me results, and answered some questions about drains and timescales i had around the surgery;
2) kate did consent with me and went over potential complications. she was happy to allow me to come off testosterone for a full month allowing me to get the earlier surgery date;
3) mrsa swabs, height and weight and bloods needed taken. mrsa swabs were nostril, under each armpit and groin. the nurse let me do them myself which was a relief. bloods was a bit confused cos apparently i should have been there at 1200 (my appt was 1615) for these to have been done, but they forgot to write and notify me of this. so because 2 nurses needed to take blood for quality assurance or something, it took them a while to find a second nurse to do my left arm.
things i forgot to do: ask how long i'd need signed off work for and check whether it would be kate or miss dabritz actually doing my surgery on the day. i've never actually met dabritz so i'm a bit nervous of it being her though i'm sure she's lovely. i have now received a letter saying i'll be signed in with kate so i am assuming and hoping it's her despite only ever having seen one of her results.
just ready for this stage to be over with. dysphoria has gone through the roof in the meantime for no apparent reason more than fuckin' with me. but soon will have recovery to deal with which frankly i never expected to be looking forward to
my grandparents' latest guide dog puppy is so floof
went along to see the rachel newton band (and ronan les bars quintet who were delightful) this evening at #celticconnections after some wheedling from my dad to make use of his ticket. glad i did though! braw night, lovely music, slightly dry room admittedly... but at least i wasn't having to sing through it!
also a beaut of a cover of "jolene" thrown in at the end of the set. and i'm a sucker for some dolly
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