scots twenty-something climbing trees and hills. transmasc. documenting life growing into myself
5/11/2015 || top lop 23/2/2017
1,057 followers240 following389 posts
dear facial hair,
you know i appreciate you blessing me with your presence, but can we stop trying to pal up with my eyebrows before you've even made it round the jaw?
lots of love,
(this is entirely in jest, i do understand facial hair grows in with time and wherever it decides to. i've spent the best part of a year shaving off the tache that used to be the solo presence on my face
when you have an interview for your own job so you have to walk through the office that is used to seeing you in scruffy chinos and a t-shirt dressed for interview... ALSO IT WAS 26C IN THAT ROOM @alisongentleman_ IT WAS CRUELTY MAKING ME WEAR A TIE
two things i discovered while trying to get dressed this morning: i've lost weight off my hips, none of my suit trousers fit, and i can finally wear this shirt cos i've lost weight off my hips and had top surgery. little things that make life feel better
fun fact: me being open about being trans, me being willing to discuss my experiences, my dysphoria and my body IS NOT licence for a cis person to ask me out of nowhere if i'm getting lower surgeries.
i personally am happy for trans peeps to ask - apropos of nothing as long as you're not shouting from the rooftops - about lower dysphoria, surgery thoughts, packing etc. having a dialogue in the community about lower dysphoria has it's place and is important for all our comfort and safety not to hide completely.
however if you're cis it has zero relevance to you and i stg i'm going to ask the next woman who says this to me (increased in frequency since top surgery which is grand given my lower dysphoria is worse, and, yes, it's always cis women) about vaginal dryness or their comfort with the appearance of their labia.
i might offer that information if i'm doing trans 101 and i feel comfortable while discussing phalloplasty to say "that's not for me but the results these days can be " or if i'm saying that i wouldn't cos i don't know yet if i'd try to carry my future kid. but don't just fucking ask me or any other trans person out of nowhere. it's rude and it can cause feelings of dysphoria to intensify. don't do that to your trans friends, colleagues or random acquaintances.
ade and i literally had to jailbreak our bikes tonight. we make an excellent bike retrieval team too. ade vaulted a 7 ft fence while old gammy chest over here stood on the wall section of the fencing and took the bikes as passed over and lowered to safety. though shout out to @supersaurus7000 for coming to check we weren't about to be stranded in leith
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ade taught me how to forehand in frisbee today. i am pretty useless but it was a laff and a half and a good start to moving those arms again
surgery: bilateral mastectomy with dermal flap by miss kate williams at north manchester general hospital .
it's not visible in the photo, but while happy overall i was fairly uncomfortable with the scars at their "fresher" stage because t was all still very... scabbed and as you would expect 2 weeks after a mastectomy. now they're closed, my formerly infected side's stretching isn't getting to me as much as it was before as i am seeing it every day. i am treating my scars every day. giving them a wee massage. actually showering properly. all this is slowly improving how i feel.
and furthermore one thing that is really important to me is not forgetting in the tougher moments how i felt back at 2 weeks, taking that photo, and seeing the beginning of the chest that will eventually give me peace of mind (at least in relation to my chest) and body.
it's still new and slightly unbelievable but the pessimist in me got to work with a few setbacks and it means that a lot of the time i have lost that sense of wonder that achey, tired ewan had ten weeks ago. without denying i'll still have bad days, here's a moment of acknowledging the work my surgeon did and the nurses who took over my care back home. fingers crossed it keeps on healing. no more setbacks, body, i'm rooting for you
missed his 6 months, so here's 49 weeks apart in salute to the next 5.5 months. git already looks older than me #foreversixteen
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walking nerd and barefoot enthusiast warning... the vivo barefoot tracker is my heftiest shoe and honestly it does now feel weird wearing a shoe with its weight and comparitively thick sole but i actually really enjoyed hiking in it. think it'll be a really good winter boot. didn't let in water when wading streams until i accidentally ended up in up to my knees and it was surprisingly comfortable after that wee accident. barefoot feedback was still present even with these soles having a bit more grip. definitely a good wee shoe for hitting the hills with
spent my day out supporting the bestie. super proud of him irrespective of the result tomorrow.
my primary campaign contribution today? entertainment for star wars fans and droid appreciators, young and old, and sitting around looking incredibly camp in the sun
recovery from surgery is emotionally exhausting.
not for one second do i regret surgery. i am not unhappy with my results either. but when the sense of many around you is that you need to be in a state of constant positivity about it else that's you somehow knocking something you have been lucky and privileged enough to access... it's difficult to process your emotions the way you need to. i am struggling right now. i'm struggling because 66 days post op i should have been starting to get moving again properly and yes after the last infection i had resigned myself to the fact that would not be for me. best case scenario post op was lost with that so i kept up the positivity as much as i could and kept my appointments with my nurses twice a week.
then this second infection comes, three days after being told it was looking good and I could maybe go without a dressing next week, and not only do i feel physically like a piece of crap but i am angry and resentful and upset but not rationally... not against anything specific that i can focus on and process.
i've been lying in bed today trying to piece it together and i think the best way to explain those emotions is that i have always held deeply negative, angry and resentful feelings towards this part of my body. and while i can look at it without the same level of dysphoria as i had before and i will celebrate that and i'm grateful for it; i haven't yet let go of the damage my fight with my chest pre op did to my body. and in this moment my chest post op is still damaging my body.
in which i am a massive poser and @adecurrie humours my newfound narcissism. i've always loved hanging off something and posing on walks and climbs. beginning to get happier with the results of my silliness too. testosterone and top surgery aren't for every transmasculine person or transguy but for those like me who it is the right path for it can honestly give back a life i had forgotten i was missing. i got used to life pushing back parts of myself and i love rediscovering them. particularly out in the hills where i'm happiest; the walk up dumyat gave me respite when i wasn't in the best of places. it still holds its magic when i'm doing good.
my first wee hillwalk since surgery and i had no issues. definitely waited the right amount of time for me.
shirts are overrated at 3C on top of dumyat. @natleegra i'll get them back down in one piece
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one of those days where a blustery lunchtime walk is just what the doctor ordered.
made these wee guys last night now i can have yeast in the house again. pretty happy for a first effort
back at group for the first time in forever tonight. naturally spent the entire night trying to decide on a selfie we're all happy with. said selfie obvs does not exist so here's this one instead
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to folks struggling with inactivity post-op: i cannot recommend a hoop highly enough. wee core work out and seriously improves your samba also you can just stick on the telly or music and get into a rhythm. and if you enjoy it (which i forgot how much i did) you can get a bit more creative with your hooping once you're all healed up
also you can stare down at your newly flat chest in a white t-shirt
2 weeks #postop to 6 weeks post-op. regrettable that an infection has completely decimated my left incision but even that is slowly healing and will eventually be just a slightly thicker, blotchier line across my chest. And both my nips are looking healthy.
surgeon: miss kate williams at north manchester general hospital. bilateral mastectomy with dermal flap.